this time

 I am human, I fall in love,

I fall in love, I fell in love

I fell in love whole heartedly

I brought down all the wall this time

I was ready to run, to fight

Now I cannot look you in the eyes

 

I am now weak

My heart is broken

My soul is broken

I am broken

The thought,

Of what we were

Of what we wanted to be

Of whom we wanted to raise

 

Will I Genuinely smile again

Will I walk with love

Will I breath freely

Without the piece choking

Without the tears flowing

Will tomorrow come

 

 

I fell in love it was with the wrong one

and most times with the wrong people,

I hurts, it breaks, they win.

Nine is JUST a number

was I not worth it?

was I not worth the last goodbye?

was I not worth the peace of mind?

was I not worth the last conversation?

was I not worth to be told I am leaving?

was the world so tough ?

was the world so tough you chose to leave me with doubts

was the world so tough you chose the moment we were just us 2

was the world so tough you chose to let our last memory be 4:30 ( the actual moment was 4:16 but it felt so much of a bother I rounded it off to the nearest 30)

was the world so tough you chose not to think about how all this would impact me

was I too selfish?

was I too selfish not to ask you how you were doing?

was I too selfish to understand what you were going through?

was I too selfish you decided to be extremely selfish in turn?

am I too selfish to think you were selfish?

If we met again, will you be happy to see me?

If we met again, will you feel content worth what you did?

If we met again, will you will you look me in the eye and say you did the right thing?

If we met again, will you ask for forgiveness or will you let it slide?

If we met again, will you….. will we actually meet again?

Today I saw you face for the last time

Today I wailed for the heavens not to accept you

Today I started a new life with you, not insight

Today I still feel like I need you

Today Feels like the second I three seconds after I threw in the soil

Today marks 9 years

I am not sure I am human any more

I am not sure I laugh as we did any more

I am not sure I was a good sister and now a good daughter

I am not sure I am doing a good job at life

I am not sure I can be the best version of me anymore

Now I will shade a tear

Now I will smile and say you are in a better place

Now I will put my head High and pretend all is fine

Now I will accept that you will not be coming home today

Then tonight I will cry

When I am home in my pyjamas and a cup of tea on my hand

Tonight, I will pray that you come knocking on the door

Tonight, I will whisper a prayer that he may give me strength

Nine is just a number you are not gone forever

The Brave Smile

Today I will smile and remember your face,

Your laughter, the glees

The slaps to the knees though stung by the bee

The stars in the eyes love placed in disguise

Today I will shed a tear, for I am filled with fear

Today you were born

I will take Shots on your behalf

I will eat Chicken and pilau that you loved so much

I will imagine you on the dining table

I will cut the cupcake because a big cake is too much for me

Then I will cry

I will look back

I will see what we had

I will foresee what we should have had

I will breathe in a deep breath

I will be grateful for the years we shared

I will hope you were still around

Because I need you

I need You now I need you more than ever

But you left… I need to remember how to live without you

Someone wise once said

If a flower does not blossom you change the environment

Not the flower

I am not blossoming in the somber mood

Though today I will dwell in it

Tomorrow will be a better day

Tomorrow I will rise and shine

I literally will do it

Because you believed in me when we were around

So here is a shot of jagger dark and precise

a glass or wine white and sweet

till we meet again dear brother

the angels are lucky to have you

shine as you rest

My Utopia

In my short years of reading and socializing, I have come to a conclusion that we have watered down the whole idea of relationships & Marriage. We are ready to go in when its all bloomy and out when gloomy. 

 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife. The most criticised verse in the generation I live in. Why should I submit to a man?... yet we all work the same number of hour and maybe I event do more extra hours (do not forget it’s also the generation of woman empowerment) … after a 12 hour shift of being trolled at work, you want me to come and make a warm shower for you(thank goodness for hot showers), cook for you ( hello Java) and still back it up for you for some minutes before you sleep off leaving me pleasure-poverty-striken? How more selfish can men be!!

 Husbands, love your wives, Joseph (father of Jesus) Knows they will (not all) cheat at the end of the day… so this word love is somewhat non-committal and neither can one be nonchalant about it… 

I come from a very old school set up and thus the latter also describes my mind-set. From a perfect none perfect family of father mother and Me (yes I am daddy’s girls and a Mummy’s boy all at the same time). Education and emancipation from mental slavery are the highest form of freedom I have been taught and therefore learnt from the two icons. 

However the greatest lesson I have learnt from living with them … how to be a good wife. I am in my early 30’s as my friend told me on my birthday as I turned 26 (on 5th December I accepts all forms of gifts).  

 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” I have seen this in practice … and in my opinion the two parties must be willing…

oooh my how we under-power Submission!!! Submission is not a form of slavery… neither is it a tool that makes you weak… you gain more power for submitting to your husband as opposed to trying to be on the same level. 

There is nothing that your man will not do for you when you let him lead the way… Honestly he will not be the one to lead at the end of the day… he will always come back and ask you for your opinion so you will have your way without chaos and plates flying…

He will give himself up for you… “to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present you to himself , without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Always cherishing you to his friends and wanting to come home to you early… the men will stay away because the Boyz are always ahoooohiiing at the slightest (thoughts of it being amazing are low) thing they do or say…

I believe not in woman empowerment… we are already powered creatures…  we need not be top in society to feel the empowerment … we are in control… and if we dare submit… oooh my … there is nothing we will not get at our feet… make him the dinner and warm for him if he comes home late… let him have his time with the Boyz tag along once in a while when invited… do not insist on going with him. I for one will be bored… and neither will I be beaming when he tags along when am with my friends. Not even once!!!! 

Trust the guy… that he will go to Tomorrow Africa look at them Slay queens asses but take you tomorrow for shoe shopping because he noticed their asses looked better because their backs are a bit arched. Aint no body got time for insecurities and passwords on the phone… 

Do dear future… (my mother has given up on me getting you) but come prepared… 

I know I live in Utopia … but the shooting stars still exists.  

Mwongeli. M 

A similar Kind

When the sleep won't come 

And thoughts of you keep rising 

When the answer wont be found 

And the heart keeps bleeding 

Where did you get this power

When did I become this weak 

How did my guard drop 

And where I did I loose it  

Yesterday was another 

Tomorrow might be the same 

How come I never learn 

That those like you I will never earn 

So I will stay up 

And I the morning struggle to wake 

I will wake up 

And In the day struggle to stay cuffed 

I will try not say a word 

But somewhere something will betray me 

Give them another try 

Yesterday was just one of the  drys 

And the same cycle of today will repeat 

Because the heart never learns 

I know I will be fine 

Just that for the next few I might cry

To get you out of the system

And later on you will try a re-entry 

Because that is just your type 

Saudade

Have you ever met a person

The connection is from the heavens

before you even speak to them

before you even mark off the key things in the check list of the one.

The ideal man.

You see a future with them and you are ready to fight

Its not love yet,

You are not physically thinking of them

You just want to listen to them

The animals in their head

Their fears and tears

What makes them tickle  and the time bomb in them

would they be a good company in a road trip

what is their most danced to music

I would enjoy counting the stars with this one

Do they name cloud and shape them

what happens when they drink their selves silly

how angelic are they when they close their eyes in rest

But the fear

Of rejection

Of heart aches

Is there another person in their life

Why don’t they make the move

What if the worst happens

What is the worst that can happen

Is the feeling mutual

you convince yourself, Let it go,

Its not meant to be

Its probably just a fling

Soon it will be out  of mind

It cannot work but you cannot quit

Three weeks down

They are still making laps In your mind

Do you make the call?

Do you drop a text?

Is there a cool way of making the move?

Will the perceived intention the ones to be received?

Will they be warmly reciprocated?

can you live with the result?

should you just drop the rose?

tmb

Make Me Understand

A silent evening off the Thursday thunderstorm. You posted the grand sale that your friend had made. It was quite funny… and although we were not friends but acquaintances, I thought I could slide right through and share the little ray of light that you had glammed my 3.2mm frown with.

As a creature of serenity and simplicity, tomorrow I want to follow the butterfly, down the white sands as it lands on the cowry shell. I want to watch the stars off the roof robbed kitchen as we warm muthoki with Smokey eyes. But I do not understand why not do that now.

Evening cappuccino as you sip your black tea and bite of  your cheese beef sandwich… I am mad because I had to do shopping that I did not need because I was waiting for you… how? I do not know! because your phone was off at the time we were to meet. Why not just go home? I do not understand.

But how does tomorrow look like? Do we have an assured scene? Will my dog see me as a good mother? Did all the words we uttered there truth based? Does my housemate secretly complain of the shoes I leave on the door step?

Why don’t we just say what we want? I think life is too shorts to get entangled when you just need/want a single bite. We do not need to lie to ourselves to smile through the day. Why wet the pillow overnight and cover conceal the eye bugs in make up.

Brethren come clean. If you want a beer instead of sparkling water… its way cheaper and they both quench the thirst. If you want to slip into flip flops  and not your timbers to the first date, they are comfortable than the tie and leather pinky toe pressing crocodile skin shoes.

Sistren; put on the shirt dress, wear the bata ngomas in all colours all week. Say hi to your Dzaaadzy for me while in Malawi yucking the sushi but pretending to like it while on snap. Work your ass off  your ass in the 3 layers of make up and the tight skirts up the corporate ladder.

Because at the end of the day they(we) will still talk. Give them something interesting to put next to your name.

Know what? ...Actually am better off not understanding. thanks 

MM